A Tricky Leadership Transition: How to Lead People Who Used to Be Your Peers

Merve Kagitci Hokamp
Nov 3
8 min read

How to Lead People Who used to be your peers. people management

Stepping into a management role is already a shift in identity. Stepping into a management role over people who used to be your peers is a different kind of stretch.

Suddenly, the people who used to message you privately during meetings (“this could’ve been an email”) are looking to you for direction. You now sit in a different room when decisions are made. You are responsible for not only your own performance, but the performance, development, and confidence of others.

This is where many new managers get stuck. They know how to do the work. They are less sure about how to lead people who knew them before they were “the manager.”

This hesitation is normal. Leadership maturity develops here.

Why This Transition Feels Personal

Research from the Center for Creative Leadership shows that the shift from individual contributor to manager is one of the most difficult transitions in a professional career (CCL, 2022). It is not because of workload. It is because of identity, expectations, and relationships.

You used to be “one of us.” Now you are “one of them.”

This is where it gets even more complex:

Sometimes, you weren’t the only one going for the role.

Maybe two or three of you threw your hat in the ring. You got the job. Now the others report to you.

This scenario is more common than people admit — and it brings a subtle emotional layer to the work. For the person promoted, there can be a quiet pressure to “prove you deserved it.”

For those who didn’t get the role, there can be disappointment, comparison, insecurity, or simply an adjustment period.

I’m working with a Director right now who recently stepped into a VP role. Three other Directors applied for the same position. He got it. Now all three sit on his leadership team and report into him. The dynamic isn’t hostile thankfully (which is what he feared initially) — but it is charged. Every interaction carries a bit more weight.

This does not mean there is resentment. It means that change has disrupted familiarity.

Your former peers need time to re-evaluate:

What does leadership look like now?
How do decisions get made?
Where do I stand in this new structure?

Your job is to lead through that ambiguity — not avoid it. Clarity, consistency, and humility matter more here than ever.

What Not To Do

Let's get this out of the way.

1) Don't overcompensate by being "extra nice"

Trying to stay "the same as before" usually backfires. It creates blurred expectations and frustration.

This looks like: avoiding giving feedback because you don't want to seem "bossy," laughing off missed deadlines to keep things light, or consistently prioritizing being liked over being clear.

Your former peers don't need a friend in a manager's role. They need a manager who cares about them as people and holds them accountable to standards.

The "Too Nice" Trap

I coached a Product Manager named Sarah (not her real name) who had just been promoted to lead a team of five — including her former desk neighbor and lunch buddy, James (not his real name).

Sarah knew the work inside and out. She had the trust of senior leadership. But the moment she stepped into the manager role, she started feeling like an imposter.

She started every one-on-one with an apology: "Sorry to take up your time with this check-in." She'd give feedback, then immediately soften it: "But honestly, you're doing great, don't worry about it." When James missed a deadline, she covered for him — twice — rather than address it directly.

In our sessions, Sarah admitted: "I just don't want them to think I've changed. I don't want to be that manager."

But here's what was actually happening: Her team was confused. They didn't know what mattered anymore. They weren't sure if deadlines were real or flexible. And James was disengaged. He could feel Sarah's hesitation, he was unsure of her expectations, and it made him question whether she actually believed in her own authority.

The breakthrough came when Sarah realized: being kind and being clear are not opposites.

She didn't need to become harsh. She needed to stop apologizing for leading.

In her next one-on-one with James, she said: "I care about you and I want you to succeed here. That's why I need to be direct: the last two deadlines were missed without communication. That impacts the whole team. Moving forward, I need you to either hit the deadline or flag blockers early so we can problem-solve together. Does that make sense?"

James nodded. He seemed... relieved. Yes, he was also surprised and maybe slightly taken aback but he was mostly relieved and course-corrected.

Turns out, he didn't need a friend pretending nothing had changed. He needed a manager who respected him enough to be honest.

2) Don't swing to the other extreme

Becoming overly formal or detached to "prove" leadership creates distance and insecurity.

This looks like: suddenly canceling coffee chats, speaking only in "manager voice," copying HR on every email, or creating unnecessary hierarchy where collaboration used to exist.

Overcompensating with formality signals insecurity, not authority. Your team will feel it.

3) Don't avoid difficult conversations

Silence creates ambiguity, which teams fill with assumptions.

This looks like: ignoring tension between team members, not addressing underperformance because "we used to be friends," or hoping issues resolve themselves.

They won't.

Difficult conversations get harder the longer you wait. Address issues early, directly, and with respect.

4) Don't make decisions to prove you're in charge

Changing things just to demonstrate authority—restructuring processes that work, rejecting ideas simply because they weren't yours, or overriding team input without explanation—erodes trust quickly.

Your team doesn't need proof you have power. They need proof you'll use it wisely.

5) Don't isolate yourself

Some new managers pull back from their former peers entirely, worried about perceived favoritism or boundaries. But complete withdrawal creates suspicion and loneliness.

You can maintain professional boundaries without disappearing. The goal is appropriate connection, not isolation.

Leadership requires clarity, not apology.

What Works Instead

1. Redefine the Relationship Openly

Say it directly. Something like:

“We’ve worked together closely and that won’t change. What will shift is that I’m now responsible for supporting the team’s goals and performance. My commitment is to be fair, transparent, and supportive. I’ll make some mistakes as I grow into this, so I welcome your feedback along the way.”

This is simple, human, and honest.

You are setting expectations without pretending the change didn’t happen.

2. Set Clear Agreements Early

Teams don’t need control. They need clarity.

Hold a meeting where you define:

How you’ll make decisions
How you’ll communicate and update the team
How performance will be evaluated
How conflicts will be handled

Call this the “How We Work” Agreement.

This builds psychological safety faster than charisma.

3. Shift From Doing to Developing

New managers often default to: “I’ll just do it. It’ll be faster.”

This sends the message: “I don’t trust you.”

Gallup research shows that employees who believe their manager trusts them are 2.3x more engaged (Gallup, 2021)

Block time weekly to:

Coach instead of correct
Ask before telling
Delegate responsibility, not tasks

Questions that build ownership:

“What options are you considering?”
“What outcome are you aiming for?”
“What support do you need from me?”

4. Be Consistent. Be Predictable.

Consistency builds trust far more than charisma ever will.

Predictability lowers anxiety. Lower anxiety increases performance.

Your team doesn’t need you to be inspiring every day. They need you to be clear, steady, and reliable.

5. Build Your Own Support System

Do not try to navigate this transition alone.

Stepping into leadership — whether it’s moving from individual contributor to manager, or from Director to VP — comes with a different level of visibility, responsibility, and expectation.

And yet, many leaders assume they should already know how to handle it.

You’re not meant to intuitively know how to:

Manage shifting team dynamics
Set direction while staying approachable
Hold authority without distancing yourself
Navigate power dynamics with former peers

These are learned skills — developed through reflection and practice, not title changes.

This is where support matters. A coach, mentor, or trusted peer circle gives you a place to think strategically, process tensions, and reset your center before walking back into the room.

The leaders who grow the fastest are not the ones who “figure it out alone.” They’re the ones who seek support early and intentionally.

6. Accept That Not Everyone Will Come Along — and That’s Okay

Sometimes, no matter how fair, transparent, and respectful you are, someone on the team may decide this new dynamic doesn’t work for them.

Maybe they wanted the role. Maybe the way work needs to happen now clashes with their preferences. Maybe they simply outgrew the team before the structure changed.

Your job is not to hold everyone in place.

Your job is to:

Support them in making a thoughtful decision
Treat their exit with respect and dignity
Maintain stability for the team that stays

Turnover during leadership transitions is common and not always a sign of failure. In some cases, it actually creates clarity — for them, for you, and for the team.

Do not take it personally. Do not chase. Let adults make adult decisions.

Lead the transition well, support their goals — that’s what people remember.

7. Keep Your Identity Grounded

The hardest part of leading former peers is internal, not external.

You will be tempted to prove you deserve the role. You may overwork, over-control, or over-explain to compensate.

Pause.

You were chosen because of your capacity, not because of perfection.

Your work now is:

Hold steady when things feel awkward
Stay curious instead of defensive
Anchor decisions to principles, not popularity

Leadership is not about being above anyone. It’s about being centered enough to hold the room.

Your confidence — calm, grounded, steady — is the cultural signal everyone else calibrates to.

This Transition Is a Leadership Turning Point

Managing former peers asks you to step into leadership with awareness rather than force.

Stay steady. Communicate clearly. Be fair even when it is uncomfortable.

Your presence becomes the signal the team calibrates to.

Authority here isn’t something you assert — it’s something you earn through how you show up, day after day.

This is where leaders grow into themselves.

Closing Thought

You were promoted for a reason. Not because you were perfect. Because you showed potential that could be developed.

So lead like someone who grows. Not someone who performs leadership.

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